Q: Do I have to bludgeon my cat with a tire iron?
A: No, a lead pipe will also work. You can also use a cinder block, an umbrella, or another cat.
Q: Can this procedure be safely performed on a ferret?
A: No. Ferrets are not powerful omniscient goddesses worthy of eternal worship and preservation. Not every lowlife creature merits embalming.
Q: I don't have some of the necessary ingredients or tools. Are there any shortcuts I can take?
A: Though we do not recommend any shortcuts in offering your cat to the glory of the netherworld, the following substitutions may be made:
If You Don't Have...
You Can Use
Mop 'n' Glo
an autopsy table
a cookie sheet
Q: Is this legal?
A: Cat embalming is a Class E felony punishable by death in Nebraska. In all other states it is merely frowned upon.