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How To Mummify Your Cat
FMI

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This section is for frequently made inquiries, for those of you who get stumped and need help.

Q: Do I have to bludgeon my cat with a tire iron?

A: No, a lead pipe will also work. You can also use a cinder block, an umbrella, or another cat.



Q: Can this procedure be safely performed on a ferret?

A: No. Ferrets are not powerful omniscient goddesses worthy of eternal worship and preservation. Not every lowlife creature merits embalming.



Q: I don't have some of the necessary ingredients or tools. Are there any shortcuts I can take?

A: Though we do not recommend any shortcuts in offering your cat to the glory of the netherworld, the following substitutions may be made:



If You Don't Have...
You Can Use
a cat
a relative
resin
shoe polish
organic oils
Mop 'n' Glo
cedar oil
rat poison
an autopsy table
a cookie sheet





Q: Is this legal?

A: Cat embalming is a Class E felony punishable by death in Nebraska. In all other states it is merely frowned upon.

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Brains.